Asking for permission

You’re going to have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. 

Maybe they did something to offend or hurt you, or perhaps you’ve noticed something in their life that is out of whack and needs addressing. 

Whatever the reason, your love, and care for others will require you to have hard conversations. 

How you go about doing so is paramount. 

One of the best sets of questions comes from Scott Kedersha who will ask, “Can I share something with you?” or “Can I give you some feedback on some things I have seen in you?”

That’s exactly how you approach a difficult conversation. 

Conversations go smoother when you lead by asking permission to share hard things. 

Sadly, people more often choose the opposite approach. 

Be different and stand out from the crowd. 

Care and love enough not only to have the hard conversation but to do so with a soft and gentle touch.

‘You catch more flies with honey’ as they say. 

At what cost?

You’re given a choice each time you’re hurt. 

You could return fire and respond in kind. Or you could let it go and move on. 

Be wary of the path you choose. 

In selecting your response, you decide the person you’ll become. 

There are few, if any, neutral decisions. Each one helps form the picture of who you are today, and who you’ll be down the road. 

It may feel good to dish sarcasm, wit and venom upon your foes, but at what cost? 

A victory pursued, or even attained, in the wrong way is a hollow one. In fact, it’s not a victory at all. It’s a loss. In becoming like your enemy to beat your enemy, you become the thing you hated in the first place. Becoming evil to beat evil allows evil to win. 

You’re not called to take the path that feels good. You’re called to take the path of righteousness. The path that leads to kindness, gentleness, and character. 

Choose the right path regardless how difficult or hard it is. Stay out of the mud. 

Do it enough and you’ll become the man or woman you hoped to be. And that will make all the mud slung your way worth it, even if no one else can tell. 

Discipline Is Not A Sometime Thing

Discipline is not a sometime thing. 

It is a whole life commitment. 

Discipline requires your devotion. All of it. 

You don’t engage discipline in one area of your life, and then neglect it in another. 

That’s not discipline. It’s what most people do. 

You don’t want to be like everyone else. You want to be extraordinary. 

You want to be better. 

Discipline either shapes every part of you or none. 

Apply discipline to every area of your life. 

Discipline isn’t some vague force floating out there somewhere. It’s an intensely personal tool that can transform your family, your work, your relationships, your fitness level, and even your faith. 

Realizing how deep, how far, and how wide discipline reaches is the hard part. Now all you have to do is apply it to things. 

Things like loving your wife regardless of how she responds, working out even when you don’t want to, and pursuing the Lord even when He feels distant. 

Each requires discipline. But you’re up for the challenge. 

5 Things To Remember When Feelings Are In The Driver's Seat

It was a beautiful summer night. The wind blew softly through the trees and leaves danced playfully across the street, as if to music only they could hear. Couples giggled as they strolled with comfortable ease, enjoying the feel of the setting sun upon their cheeks. It was truly a wondrous mid-summer's evening. 

A joyous hum reverberated off the walls as they opened the double doors leading inside. Two star crossed lovers sat enthralled with one another in a near by corner booth, truly lost in their own little world. Several families sat holding hands and bowing their heads as they praying over their meals, thanking God for His good and gracious provision. A group of long lost friends were gathered around a long narrow table. They were telling stories, cracking jokes and toasting recent victories. Excitement, love, joy, and thankfulness could be seen inscribed upon their faces. The aroma of garlic bread and pizza dough filled their lungs and caused mouths to water. The room bubbled over with energy, and not one unhappy soul could be found. 

As the host led the way, everyone looked around soaking up the atmosphere. Not only were mouths watering and stomaches growling with hunger, but hearts longed to connect. Flashes of smiles and the sounds of happiness flooded the senses. They sat down, ordered a round and conversation ensued. Topics bounced around faster than a pinball. One minute discussing the sights, sounds and flavors of the night, another diving into the wonder and splendor of recent adventures. Maybe someone recently returned from a trip to Spain, where they ran with the bulls and inhaled a culture different from their own. Perhaps someone recently met their childhood idle or got to jam with a musical legend. Whatever the topic, conversation flows with the smoothness of your favorite cabernet. Smiling faces and laughs all around. Everyone is filled with excitement, joy and energy.

Things couldn't be more fun. That is until they all of a sudden aren't. Out of the blue the conversation takes a turn. What was once an evening filled with laughter and smiles has all of a sudden taken on a more serious tone. What's this? Controversy at the dinner table? Not everyone is so happy and go with the flow anymore. Passions run high, opinions and beliefs hit the table with the comparative thud of a stack of biology textbooks in a quiet library. Fingers get pointed and voices raised. No one jumps across the table or resorts to physical violence, but boy does the tone and voracity of the discussion change. 

What happened to turn such a glorious evening into one filled with disagreement and contention?  

Emotions and feelings got in the way of love, compassion and reason. 

Ever since the forbidden fruit touched man's lips, we've gone our own way and run from what we know is right. Things have escalated of late and feelings have taken over. By listening to feelings and emotion we have become a culture enslaved by them. Not only do we increasingly respond emotionally, but we have begun to reason emotionally as well. Feelings have officially dethroned reason and thought from their rightful place. 

That's a huge problem. 

Maybe you've noticed that your heart, like mine, has a million different feelings swirling around inside at any given moment. It may even feel like it's about to burst and come crashing through your chest like the Kool Aid Man. What are we to do when the deck feels so stacked against us? As I've processed what to say in response to a culture and a heart held captive by feelings, I keep coming back to the concept of reminders. Reminders can serve a pretty powerful role in our lives. They can help keep us focused on thoughts, ideas and truth when we need it most.

If you've ever been bowling, you've no doubt seen the bumper rails that help young kids avoid a constant barrage of gutter balls. Reminders can serve a very similar role for us. They help keep us on the straight and narrow instead of constantly finding ourselves in the gutter. 

That's exactly what I want to do with the remainder of this post. Remind us both of a few important things that just might help us keep it together.   

1. Feelings aren't reliable. They change with far too great a frequency. Trying to keep up with the whims of your emotions is an exercise in chasing the wind. You're not entirely sure where it came from or where its going. You just know its past you by. Not to say your feelings and mine aren't real and valid. They just shouldn't carry near the weight and credence we give them.  

2. Truth really does matter. Nietzsche may have been wrong about quite a few things but it can't be said that he didn't understood the implications of his ideas. In his "Parable of the Madman" his madman asks a  series of insightful questions in response to the death of God. Among the most potent and pressing is, "Who gave us a sponge to wipe away the horizon?" It points us directly to the implications of unhinging ourselves from truth. The truth about God, how he designed the universe to operate and our right response to it all. When we walk away from truth, there's no longer any up or down, left or right, right or wrong. In effect, we loose all sight of the horizon. Like a boat lost at sea, we drift farther and farther off course until we've lost all sight of where we began and where we are headed. Without firm and constant reminders of truth each of us will drift and wake up to find ourselves somewhere we never wanted to go.      

3. Slowing down won't hurt you. Not everything has to be done, or said in the moment. There is a place for calm, reasoned reflection. Take a deep breath, drink some water and hit pause on a conversation when you need to. 

4. No response required. Not every opinion, statement or argument presented requires our response. This is a hard one! Just like a referee, we each can have the tendency to quickly and passionatly point out where others are wrong or where we disagree. When has this approach ever gone well? Usually it leads down a new rabbit trail and derails the entire conversation. Rarely does it accomplish what we desire. Be selective about what points you will and won't respond to, even if that means holding your tongue all together.  

5. Method and tone eat message for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We've all heard it a thousand times, because its so very true. It's not what you say, but how you say it. We can say good, right and true things in the wrong way and no one will hear it. All anyone will focus on is our delivery.     

Hard Conversations

We live in a broken, fallen world full of strife, difficulty and disagreement. We don't always get along with or agree with those around us. Maybe someone has done something that has hurt you financially, emotionally, or otherwise. You might feel bitter and you might be wounded, but things don't have to stay that way. 

Often the conversations you most dread are the ones you most need to have. There is something deep down inside us that knows exactly what we need to do. That feeling of dread or fear may not mean what you have always thought. Those knots in your stomach might not be telling you to run, but just might be confirming what you need to do. Whatever conversation has you scared, run towards it. Sure things could blow up in your face and go badly, but being willing to lean in and engage in tough conversations just might lead to outcomes you've only dreamed of.   

Tough conversations don't have to be negative or destructive. It can actually serve as an opportunity to strengthen your relationships and help you grow as an individual. If for no other reason, lean in and engage those you most fear. It has the potential to completely change everything. If you think about it in these terms, those tough conversations all of a sudden get a whole lot easier. 

Ok, you know you need to have a tough conversation but you aren't sure how. Here are a few quick hits that can help you master the art of the difficult conversation. 

Prepare your heart. This is the most challenging part of any difficult interchange. Before going to the other person pause and take a look at yourself. Search your own attitudes, words and actions. Many times you'll find that you've contributed far more to the relational strife your experiencing than you previously realized. Taking a swim in your own stuff will better prepare you to talk to someone else about theirs.

Plan out what you will say. Scripting your conversation may be impractical however, it is extremely helpful to spend some time processing not only what you will say but how you will say it. While the content of your message is important, method and tone are even more so. A helpful way to address tone and method is by how you would like to be confronted. One golden rule that won't steer you wrong is to be humble. A humble attitude smooths over a lot more than you realize.