The writings of C.S. Lewis are a wonderful gift to the human soul. They remain evergreen; relevant and helpful at any time. They are not concerned with passing trends and cultural to-dos but focused upon the overarching truths about human life. Lewis’ writings provide strong support to undergird the faithful, and an on-ramp into the faith to the wayward.
Tucked within his masterwork, Mere Christianity, you’ll find a chapter entitled Christian Marriage. It is a work worth wearing out with regular visits and obstructing with generous underlining. Below you’ll find a passage from this chapter. It is one that attacks our generation’s preoccupation with feelings head-on.
“As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion’s own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to be true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.”
Todd Wagner channels Lewis well on this point when he says that, “Feelings are real, they just aren’t reliable.” They are a poor foundation on which to build your life. They shift and change like the wind blow sands of the Sahara. They can’t be trusted to last.
They can’t be trusted to last, in part because you have little control over them. In fact, you sit up and notice when someone around you exhibits great control over them. It’s a noteworthy occurrence. One worth celebrating! As such it stands outside the normal course of human interactions and as such confirms Lewis’ point.
Promises must, therefore, be about actions you can take. Lewis doesn’t leave you hanging. A quick turn of the page and you find this helpful guidance:
“…ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense-love as distinct from ‘being in love’–not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, motivated by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
There it is! That big bright blinking light leading you on the path to living out the love you promised on your wedding day; habit. Love is a verb, not a feeling only.
You can make love a habit.
How awesome is that?
Loving your spouse well comes down to the design of your daily habits and routines. And you get a vote on what those look like. You’re not left waiting for a feeling; you have the opportunity to shape them with purpose.
Everything in your life is shaped by your habits, including your marriage. Take stock of your current habits. Eliminate the poor ones. Reinforce the good. And most importantly of all, establish your best ones yet. Habits that will pay dividends for as long as you both shall live.