Our last post traversed the helpful thoughts of C. S. Lewis on Christian marriage. That post ended with the realization that you can make love a habit. That you can design your daily habits and routines to enrich your marriage and love your spouse well.
Littered throughout James Clear’s Atomic Habits you’ll find helpful insight into how new habits form. The greatest revelation it delivers is the outstanding news that you can take hold of the wheel. You can steer your life, and marriage, in a new and better direction.
“It is easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making small improvements on a daily basis. Too often, we convince ourselves that massive success requires massive action. ”
If you’re like me, you can believe that making big changes in your life requires you to take big steps forward. In short, you look for big actions that lead to big results. You also ignore small things because they won’t move the needle far enough.
“…improving by 1 percent isn’t particularly noticeable–sometimes it isn’t even noticeable–but it can be far more meaningful, especially in the long run. ”
Small incremental improvements are easy to dismiss. They appear too small to mess with. The interesting thing is that they pay off over the long term. Small improvements compound to create a massive tidal wave of change. You get a little bit better each day and transform into a better version of yourself. You look up after a measure of time, only to realize the growth that has taken place along the way.
This simple yet powerful idea changes the entire trajectory of your marriage. You don’t have to do big massive things to grow your marriage. In fact, there is power in the cumulative effect of repeated small actions.
You may find it hard to get going. You may have a million different ideas on how to love your wife well but remain unsure which is the best. In short, you get paralyzed by the plethora of options before you.
“It is easy to get bogged down trying to find the optimal plan for change: the fastest way to lose weight, the best program to build muscle, the perfect idea for a side hustle. We are so focused on figuring out the best approach that we never get around to taking action. As Voltaire once wrote, “The best is the enemy of the good.” ”
You’re not alone in getting caught up in the paralyzing power of too many options. It happens to each person walking the planet. In this regard, Voltaire is correct: the best is the enemy of the good.
Of course, you don’t want to choose a bad option. But, with many good options on the table, movement is a win. Taking a step forward gets you going and getting going sets you in motion to forming new habits.
“If you want to master a habit, the key is to start with repetition, not perfection. You don’t need to map out every feature of a new habit. You just need to practice it.”
You don’t need the perfect collection of habits to improve your marriage. All you need is to pick some good ones and do them. That’s how habits form. You do them over and over again until they happen without your even noticing.
“To build a habit, you need to practice it. And the most effective way to make practice happen is to…make it easy.”
Clear’s insight to, “make it easy” is helpful. It flips the weakness of your laziness to your advantage. Make loving actions as easy as possible. Make it easier than any alternative. Redesign your life so these actions are the easiest to do.
If you want a great marriage, habits are the path. Walk that path and happily ever after rests within your grasp.